Scarecrows
by shamelesstoaster
Summary: It's the Enterprise from the past, and she's wackier than ever! Captain Kirk finds himself in some crazy trouble, with cranky Klingons, party weapons, time travel, unexpected guests, terrible jokes, scarecrows, and about 10 tons of Klingon mead. TOS cracfic, read at own discretion :D


_** Aaaaaaannnnnndddd I'm back with another crazy crack fic from my friend! This one is set mostly in TOS and will feature time travel, a cameo from our favourite character, and some enemies from another time... Read one for an awesomely awful plot and the best badly written shenanigans this side of the galaxy!**_

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"Sir, we are picking up a Klingon cargo vessel on the long range sensor."

"Wow, I've come across more fascinating things than Klingon cargo vessels, isn't there anything remotely more exciting we could check out?" asked the Captain.

"Sir, this Klongon cargo vessel seems to be just floating aimlessly in space." replied Uhura

"Ohhh all righhht," said Captain Kirk, "lets go have a nosey. Can't remember the last time we had a look at one of them. There are no warbirds in the area are there? Im not really in the mood for a battle today, I didnt sleep well last night, last nights replicatd mashed potato repeated on me all night."

Sulu manouvered the Enterprise closer.

"Hmmm," noted Spock, "It would seem that this ship had come into contact with a rock !"

"Well put, Mr Spock," said the Captain, "and it would seem the 'rock,' didnt come off second best either. Are there any lifeforms?"

" No sir," said Uhura.

"It seems that most of the inside of the ship is now on the outside," said Captain Kirk, "Yet it seems the cargo hold area is still in tact. Lets Beam over to the cargo hold and see what they were carrying."

"Im detecting faint life support in the hold sir," said Spock.

"Good," said the Captain, "Our lucky day! Bones, you can accompany Mr Spock over."

"Why not, like I dont have anything better to do than check out an abandoned Klingon cargo ship with a Vulcan who has no sense of humour." said Dr McCoy sarcastically.

Ten minutes later...

"Sir, this hold is choc-o-block full of Klingon mead." reported Dr McCoy.

"Hmmmm, ok." mused Captain Kirk, "Mr Scott can you beam Bones and Spock back, then beam the entire cargo hold of mead into our cargo hold. We should have lots of room in there, and who knows what we can do with all that mead, but it might come in handy, maybe some mead might settle my tummy too."

"Ok sir," answered Mr Scott.

"Sir, " inquired Uhura, " we seem to be on the edge of some cosmic cloud, I wonder if that had anything to do with the Klingon vessels destruction?"

"Possibly, " said the Captain, "but I tend to think that big chunk of rock off its portside may have been the culprit."

Spock re entered the bridge and took his post. A red light startind flashing on his panel.

"Sir, 3 Klingon Warbirds have just decloaked off our starboard side. " said Spock.

"Darn, " said Captain Kirk, "I really dont feel like a fight today, and last nights mashed potato really ISN'T helping. Lets move into that cosmic cloud, maybe we can lose them."

Sulu moved the ship forward at 1 quarter impulse power and the ship entered the cloud. Shortly after they entered the cloud, the ship started vibrating badly, systems shorted and everyone on board felt just a little bit wierd for a few seconds...and it wasn't because of any replicated mashed potato either.

"I think we better get back out of here," said the Captain.

"Sir," came the voice of Mr Scott, "We have an intruder in the cargo hold."

'Yes, " said the Captain, "it's called Klingon mead! "

"No sir, this is a.. well, not exactly a life form, but a sort of life form."

"Well, is it or isnt it?" asked the Captain, "Not exactly, but sort of? Thats very vague."

"It doesnt register as one Sir, yet it looks like a man, I think its some sort of robot... with tons of makeup Sir." answered Mr Scott.

"Oh boy" said the Captain, "What now? I knew we should have gone chasing cosmic dust today. Where did he come from?"

"Where did you come from?" Mr Scott asked the robot.

"I came from the USS Enterprise, but where am I now?" came the reply.

"You're ON the USS Enterprise," said Mr Scott.

"Most strange," said the robot, "May I see the Captain please."

"It want to see you Captain," relayed Mr Scott.

"Fineee, bring him up to the Bridge." came the reply from Captain Kirk.

"Sir, the Klingons just fired 2 torpedoes at us," said Uhura alarmed.

"Evasive action, all decks to battle stations," came over the ships speakers.

There was a mad rush as everyone ran from somewhere... to somewhere else, hoping that that's the somewhere they were supposed to be when the speakers blared out "Battle stations." If they ended up nowhere, then they would have to find their way back to somewhere again, and try all over again to get to somewhere else! Technical issue, always use a GPS.

The Enterprise didnt evade fast enough and the 2 Klingon torpedoes slammed into the hull with a loud KLUNK, then they fizzled and popped and lots of pretty colours came spewing out of them.

"Wow," said Chekov "The missiles hit our wessel, and we have fireworks."

"Fascinating," commented Mr Spock, "Very colourful yet totally ineffective. Sir, I believe this anomalie we are in has affected the 'bang capacity' of the Klingon torpedoes."

"Lets fire one back," jumped in the Captain.

3 seconds later the torpedo clunked into the Klingon warbirds hull.

"Phasers," shouted the Captain, "Full power!"

"Sir, the Phasers are just blasting red confetti" said Chekov, "and warp power is down."

"Ok, so weapons are down, torpedos are bangless, and phasers are pumping out party dust, no immediate danger though I guess, since the Klingons cant damage us either." said Captain Kirk.

"Looks like they tried their phasers too Captain," said Uhura, "Theirs shot out pink confetti though, at least ours was red."

"Fascinating." said Spock.

The Turbo lift doors slid open and Mr Scott entered with the intruder..

"Soooooo, " said Captain Kirk in an intimidating tone, "You're from the USS Enterprise I hear, yet you are ON the USS

Enterprise."

"So I believe sir, " replied the robot, "though I must add, your dashboard is very... lets say, mid 1960's looking."

"Really," said the Captain offended. "why is that?"

"It's the big chunky red flashing light Sir, and it honks too." replied the robot.

"And red lights and honking are old?" asked the Captain.

"Well, our lights flicker uber-cool like, and they dont honk, they bleep and tweep." answered the robot.

"Well, I dont care if they honk, hoot, beep or toot," said Captain Kirk, "Lets not worry about my dashboard now ok, but what exactly are you?"

"I am an Android, sir, Commander Data from the USS Enterprise."

"I see." said the Captain, "and who is the Captain of your Enterprise?"

"Captain Jean Luc Picard, sir," answered Data.

"Ha... never heard of him," scoffed Captain Kirk, "What is the stardate?"

"4823.4." replied Data

"Wow, your watch is running VERY fast Commander, mine says 2268.9. You had better get yours checked," laughed The Captain.

"It would appear I have somehow arrived on your ship from the future Sir," assessed Data

"No kidding Commander, I came to that conclusion too, your haircut gave you away." said Captain Kirk. "So this Captain Picard, is he a good Captain, what does he look like?"

"He's a very good Captain Sir, and he's bald."

"Bald?... you mean they have BALD Captains running around the galaxy in the future?" said The Captain as he ran his hand protectively over his hair, as if someone were going to take his away.

"Apparently, sir," replied Data. "I wasnt aware that hair was neccessary to be a Captain."

Dr McCoy was watching this conversation carefully and interjected, "Do you have a sense of humour Commander?"

"Sir, I can relate 5 million jokes plus 3 million in Klingon, 2 million in Romulun, and 1 Vulcan joke... but I believe the Vulcan joke isnt very funny Sir." replied Data matter of factly.

"That isnt what I asked now IS it," said Dr McCoy getting annoyed. "Great... if it isnt bad enough having a Vulcan to work with that has no sense of humour, the future goes and gives us an Android that can relate jokes but has no sense of humour either."

"Bones," stopped the Captain, "We have more pressing matters on hand. We have 3 Klingon Warbirds outside and they are not happy, they just fired 2 bangless torpedoes at us."

"Why would they do that sir?" asked Commander Data. "Klingons are our allies, we even have one on board the Enterprise."

"Well thats news to us, because in THIS stardate, we are enemies." said the Captain.

The screen lit up and a very angry Klingon appeared.

"Soooooo... Captain Kirk... You are outnumbered 3 to 1, prepare to be boarded".. then the screen went blank.

"Great," said the Captain, "Now they want to come on board too. I swear the replicated mashed potatoes are punishing me today."

"Sir," intervened Data, "What resourses do we have? Maybe we can come up with an idea."

"Lets see now, " jumped in Dr McCoy... "We have 3 Klingon Warbirds wanting to destroy us, Phasers that shoot blue confetti, no warp capacity what-so-ever, bangless torpedoes that go pop in 7 different colours, a cargo hold full of Klingon mead, a Vulcan with absolutely no sense of humour, and an android who can tell 10 million and 1 jokes that he can't even laugh at.. I'd say we're in a pretty good position to intimidate the enemy ...Sir !"

"Wait," shouted the Captain, "That it !"

"What?" said Dr McCoy "We're gonna scare them away with Romulun jokes, or maybe the not very funny Vulcan joke might do the trick, yes yes, I'd reccommend that one."

"Noooo Bones... The MEAD ," said The Captain, "Mr Scott, can you beam 1/3 of the mead to cargo hold number 2, thats still a ton of mead, when the Klingons board us, we'll invite them to a party... fill them with their own mead... hmmm and maybe some replicated mashed potato to."

"Are you sure you want 500 repeating Klingons on board Sir?" asked Mr Spock

"On second thoughts, lets give the mashed potato a miss." said the Captain

Shortly afterwards several armed Klingons entered the Bridge.

"Well nice of you to join us," said captain Kirk sarcastically. "You're just in time for our party."

"Party?" the Klingon in charge looked confused. "What party?"

"Our, 'be nice to a Klingon day' party." responded the Captain.

"Noone is ever nice to the Klingons," the Klingon shouted, "That's why we fight everyone."

"Well, now you can stop," said the Captain. "Come join us in the galley, we have free mead to all nice Klingons."

"And what if we are NOT nice Klingons?" asked the Klingon.

"Wellll, Im afraid there is no mead for not nice Klingons, but you all look like NICE Klingons to me, so come on down, and we'll party, and drink, and tell jokes, we even have an android here that knows 3 million Klingon jokes, he can't laugh at any of course, but I'm sure you will find him very entertaining." said the Captain.

At the mention of the word 'mead', the rest of the Klingons decided that they would be NICE Klingons afterall, anything was worth mead. So the next hours passed, laughter, back slapping, drinking, jokes, Commander Data even told his 1 Vulcan joke... nobody laughed of course. Spock gave a wry smile at best.

"Was that a grin, I just saw on your face Spock?" asked Dr McCoy.

"No, it was not," replied Spock, determined that Bones shoul never see him s, "It was meerly the beginning of a sneeze that didnt eventuate."

"Ahhh," laughed Dr McCoy, "So it was an unsneezed sneeze then?"

Dr McCoy would never give up teasing and baiting Mr Spock, but he wondered about this android guy, surely he could get HIM to laugh.

"Hey you there android man," joked Dr McCoy, " What's a Klingon do when he's stuck in the middle of the ocean on a sinking boat with no help around?"

"He would most likely go down with his boat with pride," answered Commander Data.

"Noooo," said Dr McCoy, "he'll Cling-on."

"Yes, well he IS a Klingon," said Data, "He lives a Klingon and he'll go down with the boat and die a Klingon."

"But your missing the pun man," said Dr McCoy with annoyance, "He'll CLING-ON, he wont let go of the boat."

"Of course he wont, as I said, he would proudly go down with his boat." said Data

"Arrrgghhhh," said a frustrated Dr McCoy throwing his arms up in the air, "and I thought the Vulcan was bad, now Im stuck between a Vulcan that doesnt laugh and an android that doesnt know HOW to laugh, could today get any better?"

BANG BANG BANG... the noisy Klingon commander was enjoying himself immensly and slammed his fist on the table 3 times. The room fell silent.

"I would like to propose a truce, between Humans and Klingons. If we can sit here and drink mead together and tell jokes and laugh, then why bother fighting anymore, lets just be allies from this day on."

There were cheers from all sides.

"Soooo," said Data quietly to himself, "THATS how we came to be allies, over cups of Klingon mead, I wonder if Leutenant Worf knows that? Sure glad the Captain didnt serve them the replicated mashed potato now," he thought Captain Kirk's com beeped.

He flung it open, "Kirk to Bridge."

"Captain, a massive cube has just appeared in this cloud, its huge, it dwarfs us, Ive never seen anything like it. A message came through saying 'we are Borg, you will be assimilated, resistence is futile.'"

"Could this day get any worse," said the Captain, "beam them over my left over replicated mashed potato, maybe they will eat that and then go away."

"Sir," we are fresh out of replicated mashed potato," said Dr McCoy, "I think you ate it all last night."

"True...Commander Data, do you know anything about this Borg?" asked Captain Kirk.

"What are they like with Jokes?" asked Dr McCoy. "Hopefully more fun than you and Spock are."

"Sir," replied Data, "The Borg are very dangerous, we struggle in our own time to defend ourselves from them, and they learn to adapt to any weapons we use agaisnt them, even bangless torpedos and confetti phasers."

Dr McCoy burst out laughing, "Well, thats the funniest thing you have said since you got here man."

" Doctor, I seriously doubt that you will have anything in your time that you could use against them, your chances of escaping now that they know you are here are less then 1 in 10000...Sir."

"GREAT," shouted Dr McCoy, "that's one thing I hate, a negative android pronouncing doom and gloom."

"Negative? " questioned Data, "But I have a positronic brain."

"You're not being very helpfun Bones," said Captain Kirk.

"WHAT, and you think the android IS?" shot back Dr McCoy.

"He just said that they will assimilate us all and escape is near impossible, I dont know if that kind of statment makes your day Captain, but I could think of better ways to spend mine than being assimilated, or even here talking to negative androids with posi-what-tric brains."

"Well, " said the Captain, "We just have to put our heads together and come up with a plan that these Borg are not expecting.."

"Sir, with all respect, I don't see how putting our heads together will help, and would just like to state that my cranium is made from the highest tensile titanium and I would not like to cause injury or death by headbutting someone while putting our heads together." said Data matter of factly.

"Maybe the Captain means a mind meld," suggested Mr Spock.

"The android and the Vulcan are idiots." scoffed Dr McCoy.

"Sir, I could mind meld with Commander Data maybe, " said Mr Spock, "We would be pure genius together."

"Oh great,' shouted Dr McCoy, "So now we have a negative android melding with a sombre Vulcan, now we're getting somewhere. I feel so much better now, remind me to mark today on my calender as 'The day a Vulcan and titanium headed android mind meld together to save the Galaxy."

"Ok Dr McCoy, thats enough sarcasm," said Kirk, "We need to come up with a plan."

"Captain," shouted the Klingon Commander, "We are all fearless warriors, we would love to celebrate our first day as allies going into battle alongside you with our deadly Bat'leth, I'll wager that these Borg cannot defend themselves against the Bat'leth."

"Sir, I dont doubt your courage, but the Borg wont find a Bat'leth very challanging at all. Even Phasers dont stop them." said Data

'Well OURS certainly won't," said Dr McCoy, "unless the pretty colours hurt their eyes."

"Maybe we can distract them somehow so they dont see us coming," suggested the Klingon.

"Ohhhhh great idea," added Dr McCoy, "I know," he suggested further, " lets just build a scarecrow, and while they are busy figuring out how to assimilate the scarcrow, you can creep up behind them with that Bat'leth of yours, and do your stuff... just let me know when you're ready so I can book front row seats. I wouldn't want to miss any of the action!"

"A scarecrow?" said a baffled Klingon, "What is a screcrow?"

"Its a stuffed dummy full of straw used to scare away unwanted pests," said Dr McCoy, " even looks a bit like you. Im sure THAT would work hey."

Thankfully the Klingon missed the insult and took it as a compliment that he would be able to scare away unwanted pests.

"So lets look at what we've got," said Captain Kirk.

Dr McCoy was pretty quick to offer, " Lets see now, we have a ship with no weapons, no warp drive, a cargo full of Klingon mead, a bunch of drink happy Klingons wanting to go into battle, a vulcan with no sense of humour, and an android with a reinforced titanium skull that has less humour than a vulcan who doesnt have any at all. Our resourses abound Captain, oh, and I forgot to mention the possibility of a scarecrow that will scare away the bad guys."

"hmmmm... WAIT...You're a genius Dr McCoy," said Captain Kirk.

"One of my finer points," pointed out the Doctor.

Meanwhile, the Borg Cube drew closer.

"Prepare to be boarded and assimilated, resistence is futile." came the message over all com systems.

"Commander Data," questioned the Captain, " Can the Borg hold their mead?"

"Hold their mead Sir?" asked Data, "Ive never tried to give them any, but Im sure they wouldn't drop it if they did, they do have hands to a certain degree."

"Oh thats rich," laughed Dr McCoy, "If I didnt know better I'd say the android here was trying to joke! Or maybe thats even the Vulcan joke that isn't very funny."

"I meant," said Captain Kirk, " would they become pixilated easily, you know, intoxicated? If they did, we just might have a chance to outsmart them."

"I see," replied Data, "I dont know sir, we have never tried going into battle against the Borg with Klingon mead before. But I dont see how it would work, I really dont think they would accept a drink if you offered it to them, they would just assimilate you. But if they did assimilate the mead and become intoxicated, the effects would spread to all of them, they are all connected in a way."

"Thats where Dr McCoy's scarecrow comes in," said the Captain. "we have so much Klingon mead, what if we were to build scarecrows that wont intended to scare, but to attact. Make them look like one of us in a star fleet suit and full it with Klingon mead. We have enough mead to make several scarecrows. Then, when they assimilate the scarecrow, thinking its one of us, they will assimilate all the mead instead. Its our best shot, then we'll just have to see what happens."

"Then I suggest we make up these scarecrows as soon as possible," said Mr Spock, "that would be the logical thing to do."

Captain Kirk gave the order and quickly all spare star fleet suits were filled with bottles of Klingon mead and placed all around the ship, in corridoors, lifts, and common rooms, even on the bridge.

"We should make a scarecrow with pointy ears," said Dr McCoy, "Wouldn't you like to have one just like you Spock? A kind of, mini me?"

"I dont think these Borg really care what they look like Doctor," said Mr Spock seriously. "That would just be counter productive and waste valuable time."

"I was JOKING... Spock," said Dr McCoy, "you're about as much fun as the android after 5 glasses of mead."

Soon, the scarecrows were in place. Shorly after that, the Borg started beaming onto the Enterprise.

"You will be assimiliated, resistence is futile," came their droning monotone chatter.

The star fleet crew moved away and ran behind the nearest scarecrow.

"Wow, " said Dr Mc Coy, "that scarecrow looks just like you Captain, you're looking good, you even have a six pack."

"Yes, but I really think the can of mead sticking out for my nose is going just a bit to far." replied the Captain.

The Borg made their way forward and quickly, one by one the scarecrows around the ship were assimilated. They continued their advance. Then one of the Borg tripped over his own feet and fell flat on his face. Bits and pieces broke off him as he hit the ground.

The crew were backed into a corner as the Borg approached.

"You will... bee... assshimilated... reeeshhhishtence is... fuutile."

"Sir, I think your plan is working," said Data, "they are slowing down and stumbling, the mead is affecting them."

"A drunk Borg is a good Borg," added the Doctor.

"Fascinating!" stated Spock

A bunch of the Borg started walking aimlessly in circles, banged into each other, did a communal head butt, and all fell down to the ground in a heap. Some managed to stay upright, only barely...

"Youu will beeeeeee ashhhhhhhhhhhhimilated... reshhhhisssstence is futillle." The Borg were mumbling now.

Very soon, all the Borg were laying in piles on the floor, having all head butted themselves into blissfull oblivion. Some still twitched, but most were completly unconscious.

"Shhhhhhhhh," said Dr McCoy to Spock, "they are sleeping now."

"Sir, may I suggest that while they have passed out, we beam them back to their own ship, they wont be able to block us from beaming them in this state." said Commander Data.

"I agree," said Spock "And lets use a tractor beam to push their ship back deeper into that anomalie, and hopefully they will go back to where they came from."

All the Borg were beamed back to their ship, their ship tractored deep back into the cloud. The Klingons wanted to celebrate the win with rounds of mead for everyone, Mr Spock was fascinated by the whole turnout, Captain Kirk just wanted to rest and forget about anomalies, Klingon mead, Borg, and replicated mashed potato's for the next millenium, and Data wanted to return to his own ship.

Moments after the Borg ship seemed to dissappear into what was obviously a wormhole, another ship appeared in another wormhole.

"Sir," said Uhura to the Captain, "We are being hailed by another ship."

"What is this?" asked the Captain to no-one in particualar, "A meeting point for the whole galaxy? More of your futuristic friends Commander Data...on screen."

"This is Captain Picard of the USS Enterprise."

"Ahhhh," said Captain Kirk turning to Data, "The Bald captain, I believe it's your boss on the line."

"We traced my Commander's signature here and believe he is with you," said Captain Picard.

"Yes yes, he's here," replied Kirk. "Are you wanting him back? Our ships Doctor wasn't happy with his lack of humour, and while I'm sure he's a great commander, I think I'd prefer one that doesnt have a titanium skull."

"Sir," said Commander Data directing his attention to Picard. "I believe we are at the point in history when the Klingons became our allies. It all started over mead."

"That's good," said Picard, "I didnt really feel like coming here and fighting Klingons anyway."

Data quickly filled in Picard on the latest events, and asked for the recipe of Klingon mead so they could replicate some to use against the Borg for the next time they encountered them.

"We need to beam you back here very soon Data, the wormhole in the cloud isnt very stable and we don't want to get stuck in the past," said Picard.

"One more thing Sir," said Data, "This is the legendary Mr Spock, he and I share the same sense of humour."

"Really," replied Captain Picard, "I find that very hard to believe."

"Yes, its true," jumped in Dr McCoy, "They can both tell each other jokes and yet neither ever gets them!"

"It is quite fascinating," stated Spock.

"Well, while Im sure it would be great to sit here and tell jokes that neither of you get," said Captain Picard, "We really must beam you back and get going. Great to meet you Captain Kirk, Spock, Dr Mc Coy, maybe we will meet again another day in less rushed circumstances. One to beam up O'Brien."

Mr Spock and Data faced each other. Mr Spock raised his hand with middle fingers apart.

"Live long and prosper," he said to Data.

Data paused for a second and then replied, "And may the force be with you." As he said these words his form disintergrated into millions of particles and he was gone.

"Fascinating parting words," said Mr Spock to Captain Kirk. "I wonder what they mean?"

"Ohhhhhh," said Captain Kirk. "They are just wise words spoken a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away."

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_**I know, I know, it's terrible, isn't it? LeKing has no idea how stuff works in star trek. But i guess that's what make it a crack fic, eh? Lots of love and thanks for reading :)**_


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